It sounds less mean when you sing it like the Rolling Stones song….
I usually get what I want. I don’t expect things to be given to me, or to come easily. But typically, I can get what I want – personally, educationally, professionally. I dream big, I set realistic goals and I work REALLY hard to achieve what I want. I have a tremendous support system and personal cheerleaders that are there to help and I am always willing to return the favor. When I get whatever it might be or make whatever it is happen, I don’t take it for granted either. I appreciate it. I am grateful for it. I share it with others. Obviously there have been times when I have had to wait for something or overcome an obstacle (or many obstacles!) to achieve what I wanted. There have been times when I have wanted to give up or felt completely overwhelmed but I have almost always had within my power the ability to work things out or make things happen.
That is why I am having such a hard time with the fact that after nearly a year – and one emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy – I am not yet pregnant.
I am a smart woman, logically I know that on average it takes 6-12 months to get pregnant. Logically I understand that the surgery threw things off a bit. Logically I understand that I am capable of getting pregnant and I just have to be patient. Logically I count out my 14 days and use the silly sticks and take as most control as possible. Logically I understand that there are millions of women who have had to wait much longer, or chosen a path of medical intervention, and I remind myself that I should be grateful.
Emotionally I lament over the amount of time it is taking. Emotionally each time my period comes again I am disappointed. Emotionally I keep thinking about the what-ifs. I am a college professor – the semesters start and end the same time every year and I obsess over how I will keep my job depending on when I get pregnant and when our child might arrive. Emotionally I think of people I know who have gotten pregnant despite health risks, unhealthy lifestyles, and in spite of almost never having sex. Emotionally this feels SO unfair. Emotionally I drive myself crazy!
Sex education in high school is almost too effective — and popular culture makes it seem like pregnancy is the norm. When I was in high school I believed that if I had sex even once without protection I would be instantly pregnant. This would lead to the believe that as soon as I started trying to get pregnant it would work out. Watching TV today every reality show “celebrity” and 16-year-old is having a baby. Were they trying? Are they excited? Did they just want a reality TV show? It can be overwhelming.
I try very hard to think of the positives. If I am not pregnant I can keep trying to be healthier and lose a few pounds, I can work harder to save money, I can plan a trip to CA to see friends, I can have a couple of drinks at the weddings we have been invited to in the next two months and not feel guilty. I don’t have to worry about throwing up from morning sickness in front of my students (that would be super embarrassing!) and I don’t have to worry about buying new maternity clothes yet.
My husband’s grandmother told me that she is praying to St. Jude for me. I am not religious so I thought this sounded like a nice gesture and I thanked her for putting good thoughts out in the universe. I came home and googled St. Jude. He is the patron saint of lost and desperate causes. Are you kidding me? I am sure there is something I am missing but I couldn’t help but think: Am I the lost cause? Is the baby the lost cause? Should I be insulted? I am still not sure. Perhaps I should do some more research.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want….perhaps the next line should be : exactly when you want it. That is the part that I have to remember. Patience is a virtue, right? I’ll have to work on that too.
Any advice or tips to refocusing my energy & focusing on the positive would be much appreciated! Thanks!