Lessons Learned & Random Ramblings

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You Can’t Always Get What You Want…. January 16, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kate @ 11:21 am

It sounds less mean when you sing it like the Rolling Stones song….

I usually get what I want. I don’t expect things to be given to me, or to come easily. But typically, I can get what I want – personally, educationally, professionally. I dream big, I set realistic goals and I work REALLY hard to achieve what I want. I have a tremendous support system and personal cheerleaders that are there to help and I am always willing to return the favor. When I get whatever it might be or make whatever it is happen, I don’t take it for granted either. I appreciate it. I am grateful for it. I share it with others. Obviously there have been times when I have had to wait for something or overcome an obstacle (or many obstacles!) to achieve what I wanted. There have been times when I have wanted to give up or felt completely overwhelmed but I have almost always had within my power the ability to work things out or make things happen.

That is why I am having such a hard time with the fact that after nearly a year – and one emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy – I am not yet pregnant.

I am a smart woman, logically I know that on average it takes 6-12 months to get pregnant. Logically I understand that the surgery threw things off a bit. Logically I understand that I am capable of getting pregnant and I just have to be patient. Logically I count out my 14 days and use the silly sticks and take as most control as possible. Logically I understand that there are millions of women who have had to wait much longer, or chosen a path of medical intervention, and I remind myself that I should be grateful.

Emotionally I lament over the amount of time it is taking. Emotionally each time my period comes again I am disappointed. Emotionally I keep thinking about the what-ifs. I am a college professor – the semesters start and end the same time every year and I obsess over how I will keep my job depending on when I get pregnant and when our child might arrive. Emotionally I think of people I know who have gotten pregnant despite health risks, unhealthy lifestyles, and in spite of almost never having sex. Emotionally this feels SO unfair. Emotionally I drive myself crazy!

Sex education in high school is almost too effective — and popular culture makes it seem like pregnancy is the norm. When I was in high school I believed that if I had sex even once without protection I would be instantly pregnant. This would lead to the believe that as soon as I started trying to get pregnant it would work out. Watching TV today every reality show “celebrity” and 16-year-old is having a baby. Were they trying? Are they excited? Did they just want a reality TV show? It can be overwhelming.

I try very hard to think of the positives. If I am not pregnant I can keep trying to be healthier and lose a few pounds, I can work harder to save money, I can plan a trip to CA to see friends, I can have a couple of drinks at the weddings we have been invited to in the next two months and not feel guilty. I don’t have to worry about throwing up from morning sickness in front of my students (that would be super embarrassing!) and I don’t have to worry about buying new maternity clothes yet.

My husband’s grandmother told me that she is praying to St. Jude for me. I am not religious so I thought this sounded like a nice gesture and I thanked her for putting good thoughts out in the universe. I came home and googled St. Jude. He is the patron saint of lost and desperate causes. Are you kidding me? I am sure there is something I am missing but I couldn’t help but think: Am I the lost cause? Is the baby the lost cause? Should I be insulted? I am still not sure. Perhaps I should do some more research.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want….perhaps the next line should be : exactly when you want it. That is the part that I have to remember. Patience is a virtue, right? I’ll have to work on that too.

Any advice or tips to refocusing my energy & focusing on the positive would be much appreciated! Thanks!


One Response to “You Can’t Always Get What You Want….”

  1. Brandy Says:

    I laughed out loud AGAIN at the St. Jude comment… After a bit of research, I believe I have identified a new saint for Grandma to pray to… St. Francis de Sales!

    You know I’m not Catholic, but hear me out. Not only is he the patron saint of writers and journalists (yes, yes he is). But he also had a bit of a personal crisis himself. At age 12 he thought he couldn’t get what he wanted (In his case, he thought he wasn’t “saved”)… that left him literally ill for twelve years. He found relief and health at last when he had an epiphany that whatever was in store for him was good – because there is nothing that isn’t good and perfect and full of love. And instantly, he was happy and healthy, and pregnant (wink wink) with ideas for the books that he then wrote.

    So – I say – get Pat’s Grandma on thhis saint immediately 🙂 … and keep WRITING until the perfect timing of it all unfolds. Oh – and come to California soon!!!! Love.

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